i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize