On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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