from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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