i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
