I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
