My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
