Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
