wanna go halves on a baby?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
