I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
