I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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