Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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