I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
