dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize