If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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