I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
