At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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