God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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