I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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