Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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