I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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