I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
