You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
