hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
