Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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