just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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