I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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