He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
