so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
