Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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