so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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