yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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