i wish peter jackson would direct porn
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
