Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
