We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
