i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Randomize
