I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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