I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
