Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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