If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
