and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
