Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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