I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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