i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
