and she was petting her beer can
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
