Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
