At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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