Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
