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YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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