Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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