Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just gargled with NyQuil
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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