Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
