I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Randomize
