but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
