if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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