i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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