Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Bring me that man meat
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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