Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
