the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
