sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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