I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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